The Undecided Party of Canada

A sincere wish from North of the Border

Wow… Just, wow…

So, for those who survived watching it without french kissing a light socket just to make it stop, last night’s Trump-Biden Debate was a historic event – you know, like the Hindenburg Disaster. But what can you expect when one of the debaters has all the intelligence of a piece of dry toast, and the self-control of a hyena on a sugar-high?

But why, you ask, is this debate being mentioned on the website of a Canadian political party? Well, The Commission on Presidential Debates, having decided that they’d rather NOT be compared, unfavourably, to World Wrestling Entertainment, has announced that they will be, “carefully considering the changes that it will adopt and will announce those measures shortly.”

Well, it just so happens that all the way back in 2004, the Undecided Party had some ‘modest proposals‘ of its own as to how to make political debates more edifying for the voter. We freely share these suggestions with the Commission, if they’re SERIOUS about getting the debates under control.

And we thought things were bad back THEN…

Okay, Since You Won’t Say That You DIDN’T Cheat…

…and your history indicates a certain pattern of behaviour

May we suggest a new slogan for the bottoms of your posters.

stephen harper likes

Original Photo: Stephen Harper by Remy Steinegger

(‘Inspired’ by, “Conservative Party won’t say whether it buys ‘likes’ on Facebook“)

Anything You Can Do…

…I can do better.

“…we keep the highest standard for candidates…”

Uhhh, riiiiight.

One of your candidates urinates in a customer’s coffee cup on national TV. One makes YouTube videos crank-calling women and posing as a disabled person.

And if they had been elected, they would have been called “Honourable” Members.

(Of course, Chris Alexander and Peter Kent, of recent news, can already use that title.)

stephen harper clown

“Do Not Disturb”

Of course, it might be different if they were there to tell you something other than the same partylinetalkingpoints that are repeated on every TV appearance, every junk mail paper waster, and every supper-interrupting phone call (because they can -and will- ignore your presence on the Do Not Call list). It might be different if there was any chance that any opinions you voiced were likely to change a candidate’s position in any way…

…but the only real surprise that you can expect from the Human Spam that will be appearing on your doorstep is that everything you say to them is likely to be entered into party databases that are immune from policing or inspection by privacy commissioners. (Because as we’ve all seen, and like the Do Not Call List, politicians don’t have to live by the same laws that the rest of us do.)

CBC: How data mining is changing political campaigns

“Given developments in technology and data mining, Lieberman says in the near future, political campaigners will be able to send messages directly to voters’ television sets and even customize them.”

…oh boy.

And that’s a ‘benign’ potential.

But until that day when we’re all throwing our TVs out our second floor windows, you can at least fight the Human Spam, bring a stop to those irritating interruptions by door-to-door canvassers and candidates, and let them know you don’t want to be in yet another -unpoliced- database, all with this free and tasteful door knocker sign.

Just click on the image below to access a full-size PDF file and follow the instructions.

(And you can find more downloadable designs for buttons, signs, bumper stickers and t-shirts here.)

hanger2

The Unbearable Importance of the Last Line

So, let’s just say that a lot of people voiced skepticism this week when Chris Woodcock, Steve’s former director of “issues management,” (propaganda minister, or ‘fixer’ might be more familiar terms) insisted that he could look at a FIVE LINE email about an issue pivotal to the party and his Prime Minister, and somehow not get all the way down to the fifth line. (see below)

wright
Was it truly a case of prophylactic amnesia, or just the general incompetence displayed by pretty much everyone appointed by the PM.? (Which, of course, raises its own questions about the competence of the P.M. who made the appointments)

As some might point out, a 3-year old with a bursting bladder has a longer attention span than the one professed by IssuesManagementMan, but to give him his due, Woodcock was able to deliver and defend this declaration with a straight face even as it was met with laughter in the courtroom, and there IS precedent. In fact, on more than one occasion, history has been written by figures who clearly had all the focus of a dog on a squirrel farm.

And to illustrate this point, here are just a few… (click on the image if you need to enlarge to legible size)

stephen harper letters
So stick to your guns Chrissyboy, because as everyone knows

The Hirsute of Happiness…

Well, as we all know, the entire Conservative Party seems to be OBSESSED with Justin Trudeau’s hair. It seems to be the central theme of their attack ads, and let’s face it, it points to an undeniable envy on the part of Steve and his team.

The Conservatives seem to feel that somehow, Steve’s own hair is … ‘inadequate’… even though it must be conceded that it has long been a phenomenon in its own right – an appropriately Conservative entity of shock and awe, and as Margaret Atwood correctly points out, one that has its own keeper (and one which has had others wondering if it could be weaponized).

But for whatever reason, Justin’s hair appears to be the only area where the Conservatives think the Liberals have an advantage – but fear not Blue Team, wheels are in motion to take away that advantage and place it squarely on the sultan’s scalp.

Whispered rumours abound on the campaign trail that operatives have been trailing the Liberal Leader – bribing hotel maids for comb samples, dredging shower drains, dumpster diving behind Trudeau’s barber’s shop. All in an attempt to gather enough raw material for the creation of the Conservative’s secret weapon, so that this…

Stephen Harper by Remy Steinegger

Stephen Harper by Remy Steinegger

can become … THIS!!

stephen harper hair

And then the people will say of Stephen Harper…

He turned 9 consecutive Liberal Budget surpluses into debt – inheriting a $13.8 billion surplus and turning it into a $5.8 billion deficit within two years, starting a run of 8 consecutive Conservative deficits.
He has the worst economic record of any Prime Minister since World War II
He led the first government in Canadian or even Commonwealth history to be found in contempt of Parliament
His party was caught cheating in the last three elections
He prorogued Parliament four times, shutting it down for a total of 181 days
He suppressed voters via the “Fair Elections Act” while restricting the power of Elections Canada
He made Canada an embarassment in the international scientific community by muzzling its own scientists
He appointed Mike Duffy, Pamela Wallin … well, you know, the WHOLE Senate thing
Etc., etc., etc., …

Nice Hair Though.

A Prime Minister’s Heartbreak

Stephen Harper Humour

(With a nod to Andrew Coyne.)

One of the Harper Sheep Goes Rogue

“…and your media with you!!”

After all, since Fox News North crashed and burned, there’s no place for a free press in the Harper brand of Democracy.

‘Leave Glorious Leader ALONE!!!’

But wait, didn’t that guy have a similar video when he was younger? He’s certainly aged quickly (the intellectual and moral contortions required for being a Harper zealot will do that to you), but wasn’t he defending some singer some years back? Right?… The performance may be more emotional, but at least the sentiment is similar…